The Gottman Method Couples Counseling: The Sound Relationship House.

I’ve been on a Gottman kick lately, and really… Can you blame me? Their work is the basis of which the most prominent couples therapists work off of (and yes, I am trained in The Gottman Method as well). In my last post, I focused on the Gottman’s research for the predictors of divorce. It got me thinking, “What about the predictors for success?”. And voila! Another blog post is born. 

In the midst of going through it with your partner, it’s so easy to rest on what isn’t working and what you wish were different. This is part of our negative bias, the evolutionary tendency for humans to focus on the negative in order to protect ourselves from potential danger. That’s why it’s so important to make a conscious effort (and it does take effort!) to think about what works and to implement small, daily gestures that connect us to our partner or ‘stitch us back together’ as I like to say. 

If you’ve been reading my blogs, you know by now that conflict in relationships is not only normal, it is healthy to a degree, especially when we know how to repair. So if it’s going to happen, we might as well also know what makes a relationship so strong that the inevitable quarrels don’t shake the bond to the point of breaking. In The Gottman’s, Sound Relationship House, we will see the building blocks and the protections that keep trust and commitment sturdy, even when things get tough. The idea is (and the research shows) that when we build enough trust in different ways, even the roughest patches do not dissuade us from being together.

What This Means for You

Step 1. Build Love Maps: Know your partner. 

It seems simple, but you’d be surprised what really knowing your partner can do for not only your understanding of them but the compassion it can foster in times of conflict. We all crave to be known by the person that’s closest to us and it can be a balm that soothes both partners when we gain the deeper understanding of them. I often say to my clients that presence, being seen, and deep listening are so undervalued in our society, that we forget how to do it. Things like; What was your partner’s childhood like? What do they like to do to have fun? To relax? What dreams do they have for the future? You get the idea. 

Step 2: Share Fondness and Admiration. 

It doesn’t have to be huge, it has to be authentic. “I saw the way you were talking to our son, and I really appreciated how gentle you were with him,” or, “I think it’s really amazing how you’re able to whip up dinner and make it taste so good”. Sometimes I hear clients say, “Well, I do so much and I never get a ‘thank you’ - and I don’t really need it! Why should I start giving out compliments?”. Good question. Maybe you don’t need a thank you, but wouldn’t it be nice to get one? Most often, the answer is yes. Just because you aren’t in the habit, doesn’t mean it won't work. Low and behold, sometimes even after just one week of sharing admiration for each other, the couples I see will report feeling safer and more calm with each other. It’s like magic, but it’s not. It’s research. 

Step 3: Turn Towards Each Other

The Gottmans call this “bids” for attention. This can sound like, “Babe, I read this fascinating article,” or perhaps out on a hike, “Woah, did you see that bird?”. It’s an opportunity to see your partner and respond with interest in them - even if you’re not particularly interested in the thing they are pointing out. If these bids get ignored, it’s not likely to keep you ‘stitched together’ with your partner. It’s more likely to be a breeding ground for an argument.

Step 4: The Positive Perspective

Simply put, give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This combats that pesky negative bias that we are built with. Keeping a positive perspective is choosing to remember that our partner means well and also makes mistakes. So the next time your partner forgets to ask you about your day, try not to rush to criticism. Try to gently point it out and ask for what you want instead. 

Step 5: Manage Conflict

I’ve written a whole blog post on ways you can begin to rewire how you and your partner manage conflict. Repair is one of those ingredients in a relationship that, if you get good at it, really affects how safe you feel with your partner. I’m not saying it’s easy to validate your partner’s perspective when you’re in an argument with them, but if it goes both ways, it tends to fortify the relationship - even in the toughest moments.

Step 6: Make Life Dreams Come True

Want to pay off that debt? How about starting that business you’ve been dreaming about for the past 10 years? Sharing the load as a couple in these life endeavors builds trust in a way that ‘going it alone’ just can’t. See where there are spaces in your relationship where you can share the burden of some of the practical steps to achieving a dream. Your partner will not forget it, and if they know what's best for them too, they'll probably return the favor.

Step 7: Create Shared Meaning

It’s like Step 1: Knowing Your Partner, but knowing US as a couple. How do WE see the world? What do WE value? What are the daily ins and outs we do as a couple that keeps us on the same page, like birthdays, vacations, dinners together, etc. What is OUR story and what gives us meaning and purpose being together? It is the answers to this type of existential thinking that can contribute to solid 'togetherness' and security within the relationship.

In Closing

It might take some intentionality and reworking of the norm to incorporate some of these steps into your relationship, but I find that for most couples I work with, adding even one of these steps can bolster the couple enough that they start to feel positive change. It makes the big, difficult conversations easier to have when you know you are being supported in the day to day interactions.

Call to Action

If you've been wondering how to make your relationship stronger and fortified for even the toughest moments life can bring, please reach out for a free 20 minute consultation to see if we'd be a good match for therapy together. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!