What is a Narcissist... and is my partner one?

This word -narcissist- is so heavily and nonchalantly used in the pop-psychology world, that I wanted to explore the meaning of the word a little more in this blog. Having experienced narcissistic abuse in my personal life, and working professionally with clients who experience this, it’s a topic close to my heart. This post is honestly just me sorting out the variations of the term and focusing more on indecipherable narcissism. My hope is that it will help you to decode what kind of narcissism you might be dealing with in your partnership, if at all, and may help you decide whether couples therapy can help, or if it’s time to cut your losses and run.

Miriam-Webster defines the word narcissism as “excessive interest in oneself”. It’s important to understand that we all have a degree of narcissism, and having seen this in my practice quite a lot, I can confidently say, it is a spectrum. It can even be healthy to be somewhat selfish in the right circumstances. At its extreme, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be defined by, “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts (DSM-V-TR)” - think Donald Trump. At the extreme, these people often do not come in for therapy. When they do come into therapy, it is when their partner has given an ultimatum and a threat of leaving the relationship, often due to dire circumstances. In relationship, the client’s traits of NPD often fit very well with their partner’s traits of codependency. Explained; the way a narcissistic person can easily and seamlessly deflect responsibility onto the victim in a way that feels natural and true fit right into the codependent person’s tendency to sacrifice their own needs in order to make the relationship work. The codependent partner takes responsibility for the dynamic and the hurtful behaviors of the NPD partner, keeping the two partners fixed in their uncomfortable, but [most likely] familiar [which is sort of comfortable, actually] positions creating a gridlock cycle. 

Where it can be a little murky is when the narcissism/grandiosity is less obvious. The person has friends, is an involved parent, and is vulnerable and charming enough to their partner that it can override their partner's needs not getting met for a long time. The covert narcissist's self-interest is often tied up and affirmed by patriarchy’s effects, especially in hetero-normative relationships (but not only then!) where gender roles and expectations become the norm. This is evident when one partner consistently takes up more time talking in group settings, without noticing their partner sitting quietly for over a half an hour and without checking in. Or it shows up in ways where one partner expresses a grievance to the other, and the receiving partner then flips the conversation to talk about their own hurt rather than addressing their partner’s concern. Sometimes it shows up when there has been infidelity and the involved partner sees no reason for themselves to be answering important, but difficult questions about their decision to choose their own needs over the health and wellbeing of the relationship and their hurt partner.

Underlying all of these scenarios is a lack of empathy, concern, and understanding for their partner. There’s a need to be seen as ‘good’. Relational Life Therapy founder, Terry Real, describes this type of narcissism as the lack of relationality. Not only to one’s partner, but a lack of relationality to one’s self. That cutting off of the self most likely formed as a coping mechanism from a childhood experience where bringing up emotions was handled traumatically, induced shame, and conditioned the child to disavow the ‘shadow’ parts of themselves. They can grow up resisting any hint of being ‘wrong’ as they conflate it with being a bad person. And to make it very clear here, I am of the mind that doing something ‘bad’ does not automatically make one a ‘bad person’. 

So the real issue here for the grandiose partner, the one with narcissistic tendencies, is then to start and build enough ego strength to tolerate when your partner is discontent with you. Individual therapy targeted to this goal is always going to be helpful in conjunction with couples therapy in these cases.  If you're hoping to scoot your empathically challenged partner into therapy, it's better to confront them lovingly. Say something like, "I love you and I need this to change. Will you do this with me?".

Takeaways: 

• Narcissism is a spectrum. It can be addressed with therapy for moderate - less severe cases. 

• Narcissism can come from a traumatic childhood, where a ‘bad decision’ was conflated with being a ‘bad person’ and induced overwhelming shame and guilt, rather than seen as an opportunity to grow.

• Codependency and narcissism are compliments to each other that can gridlock the destructive cycle between partners. 

• Confront your empathically challenged partner with love. It will go farther and create more change.

Do you have more questions about the narcissistic tendencies and dynamic in your relationship? Book a free consultation with me today and let’s see if we can start a new, healthy cycle for your relationship.